The Bachelor Recap: Arie's Season, Episode 3

Sorry for the delay -- I ended up watching on Tuesday instead of Monday so that I could hang out with my mom, my BFF and her mom. And my BFF’s sweet son who was not feeling the episode at all. I don’t blame him. Next week, I’ll be back in Austin, so I should be live-tweeting! Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter and join in on hate-watching this awful, awesome show.

While at my friend’s house to watch this episode, we spent a good amount of time remembering contestants of past seasons on the show. So I thought I’d share one of my favorite scenes ever. (You’re welcome.)

OK, now on to this week’s episode.

I love how the chatter first thing in the morning isn’t ever anything of substance.

“Last night was hard.”
“Yeah.”
“People went home.”
“Yeah.”

Some woman I don’t remember at all says the cocktail party was emotionally taxing for her. Watching other people argue must’ve been really difficult you.

Bibiana and Krystal recall the night before, both reflecting on the fact that they’re not ones to shy away from confrontation. Bibiana, I get. Krystal, not so much.

When I said Chris Harrison has the best job and gets to walk in and out of rooms stating the obvious, how right was I? The man seriously pops in and the first thing out of his mouth is, “Good morning! Well there are 18 of you here.” Congrats on your solid counting skills, Chris.

Chris (aka the producers) knows exactly what he’s doing by saying “time is precious.” That’s not advice, that’s him giving his blessing for more awkward “can I steal him” encounters. Thanks a lot.

This episode features two group dates and a one-on-one date.

First group date: “It’s all about the ring.”

So they’re doing a wrestling-type date.

GLOB is a perfect word to describe how I feel about this season, but it’s really stands for Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor.

Can we talk about how they’ve been totally phoning in these dates? They’re not creative at all, and most of them seem to be based on movies or shows. This one’s a play on GLOW. Last week’s was totally meant to be a play on 50 Shades of Grey.

When the ladies walk into the arena, Chris Harrison plays announcer for Arie, who happens to be dressed like every eighth-grade boy at a middle school’s semi-formal. No I will not refer to him as the Kissing Bandit.

The women are nervous, which makes sense. Who would ever want to do anything like this?

Angelina and Ursula, two former GLOW girls, pop in to verbally assault the women and whip them into shape. I’m a little intimidated by both of them, but think I could maybe take the one who’s using a cane.

Honestly, this date just makes me want to rewatch GLOW and not watch this.

The GLOW women are a little too intense and are taking everything a little too seriously. Why are the contestants laughing? Because this date is a joke.

Bibiana and Tia get overwhelmed and go off to the side to cry. I think it was Angelina who commented on Bibiana’s name and called out her mom for not knowing how to spell. I wouldn’t do well if someone brought up my mom, but let’s be honest, that wasn’t a coherent diss. It was far from a burn. It made no sense. The GLOW ladies were just trying to get reactions and rile them up.

I would never make it on this show because I’m not good at letting things go and not being afraid to look stupid. But that’s what you get when you sign up. I wish Bibiana and Tia had tougher skin but totally understand their discomfort.

All of the costumes the women are forced to wear are stupid, except for Bibiana’s, which is so stupid it’s awesome.

ABC photo

Once the live audience comes in, Chris announces that Arie will be wrestling first. (I actually think it should be a rule that the Bachelor or Bachelorette has to do everything the suitors do.) And he’s wrestling against … Kenny from Rachel’s season! I hope that if ABC grows a pair and finally has a black bachelor, Kenny is in the running.

Arie looking like Ross and the Hamburglar had a baby wins the horribly staged wrestling match. And from there on out, they’re all pretty bad matches. If I were in the audience I’d wonder where I went wrong in life that I ended up there. Not sure you could pay me enough to pretend I was really entertained. (Actually, you def could.)

I don’t know how to feel about the airstream park (or as my friend’s mom put it “I don’t understand, they’re at a trailer park?”). It’s kind of cool, but their confessionals look like they’re legit in the front seat of an RV. Couldn’t they just do those shots outside?

Naturally Krystal grabs Arie to talk first. Y’all. Her voice: “Mind if I grab you? Kaaaaaaaaay. Bye guyyyyyyyys.” I want to kick that one guy who told her her voice is sexy that one time. Because you know she doesn’t always speak like that. And I can’t for the life of me figure out what Arie sees in her. He’s thinking with his peen, and she is beautiful, but is it me or wouldn’t that voice make any peen abandon ship? I don’t get you men at all.

Arie is totally leading Krystal on. He’s basically like continue to be crazy, it’s cool. Krystal’s like “Arie says to be me so I need to be someone totally different and increase the aggressiveness.” Good plan Krystal.

Bibiana, no! Everyone knows you can’t use your time to rag on someone else. Especially if you don’t have that much of a connection in the first place. It never ends well. The thing with this situation is that he has 17 other people clamoring for his attention and when you do something to turn him off, he has someone else waiting who won’t.

Arie’s body language is as crystal clear as it gets. If he doesn’t touch you, he doesn’t like you.

Krystal: “These girls, they’re living in such, like, a false reality. Because after having a one-on-one and having such a deep connection, Arie and I have the strongest relationship in the house. So I feel really confident he’ll give me that rose.”

Arie gives the rose to Bekah. Afterall, they had that deep convo about working out after a breakup.

The next day, Krystal’s mean-girl conversation about how women have hated her forever is amazing. Sure, girl, it’s them. It’s not you at all. Also how can you possibly have a conversation with someone who’s competing for the same man about how you and said dude just want to be together?

One-on-one date: "You had me at Merlot."

Chelsea thinks she’ll get the one-on-one date because she’s a mom. Yeah, that adds up.

Instead, the one-on-one goes to a Lauren S.

One of the ladies: “You’re going wine tasting I think.” Do you think?

Production does something interesting here and shows Lauren packing her suitcase and saying she could go home. Maybe I’m just forgetting, but I didn’t realize someone automatically goes home if they don’t get the rose on a one-on-one date. Foreshadow much, ABC?

Imagine dating someone who has to refer to you by your first name and last initial.

How do they not get hammered on dates like this? I know I’d be two sheets to the wind!

Lauren and Arie have a conversation about how they’re old now. Though I get the feeling Arie’s being genuine and Lauren is pretending to be as boring as he is.

At the night portion of the date things take a turn. She sees the rose, feels the pressure, gets incredibly nervous and just starts babbling about lord knows what. In fact she doesn’t even know, since she comments that she wouldn’t give herself a rose. And by the time she finally mentions that she’s all over the place and not being herself, it’s too late.

The body language is so different than earlier in the day. He’s sitting as far away from her as possible it seems. He holds the rose and practically waves it around in her face before telling her he can’t give it to her.

ABC then forces Arie to carry around that rose, stand at a balcony looking sad, and listen to a string quartet by himself.

When that random dude comes in to get Lauren's bag, the women in the house freak out. Does Krystal think she’s the leader of the house or something? “When you have your time, make the most of it because it’s not guaranteed.” I'm gonna need you to make the most of your time by not making words longer than they have to be.

Second group date: “Love is ruff.”

Annaliese’s palms are getting sweaty just thinking about the date because she had a traumatic experience with dogs when she was a child. My palms are getting sweaty because I can’t wait to see how ABC spins this and does the reenactment. (Spoiler alert: They hilariously nail it.)

Arie’s style needs some work. Why didn’t Rachel Zoe give him some pointers when she was on last episode?

Annaliese has had a couple of run-ins with dogs. WHOSE KID IS PART OF THIS REENACTMENT?? ABC. Whose kid is that? I can’t. There weren’t blurred out faces this time, just an upset little girl and a random dog showing its teeth.

(Back at the house Bibiana and Tia send up some prayers to God. Best part: Bibiana ends her prayer with “love you, byee!”)

The dogs are the best part of this date. The ladies are supposed to be putting on a show where the dogs do tricks. The dogs are like “Nah.”

Fred Willard is there for some reason.

Annaliese’s job is cleaning up the poop on stage. She tries to find the good in it by convincing herself that Arie will see how good she is at her job.

At the night portion of the date, Arie pulls Chelsea aside first. Chelsea’s had a decent break here of not being the bad guy, but I have a feeling that’ll be short-lived.

Chelsea’s like “today’s date was symbolic of my own life.” Mmkay. How? Except she doesn’t explain, instead commenting on how it’s hard to be in a park setting when SHE’S A MOM.

I know Arie doesn’t quite make out with everyone but Annaliese, but it sure seems like he does.

It almost feels like a mistake to have someone like Arie be the bachelor. Not because he’s boring, but because he’s too far removed from the process. It’s been what, like 5 years since he was on the show? So it doesn’t seem like he can truly understand or sympathize with the way some of the women are feeling about the situation. He seems pretty unforgiving about how awkward this whole thing is, it’s almost like he forgot what it’s like to be on the other side.

For the first time, I’m not mad that Chelsea got the rose on the date.

Random thoughts on the cocktail party before the rose ceremony:

• Bibiana looks so cute! Oh man, she’s going home isn’t she?
• I love that she made a cute spot to talk with Arie.
• Except he brings someone else there. And then someone else. And then someone else. And none of these someone elses are Bibiana.
• I would be ripped and I don’t know how she didn’t say anything.
• “Waiting around for something to happen isn’t my thing,” Bibiana says as she waits around for something to happen.
• Bekah is in first place. She’s kind of a dick, but I like that she speaks her mind.
• Annaliese, touching up your lipstick won’t help get you a kiss unfortunately.
• I don’t believe there really was moonshine in that mason jar when Arie took Tia aside, do you?
• I did think the set-up was cute, though.
• Moonshine does not taste like gasoline in a good way. That mason jar was filled with water.
• Why would you take advice from your competitors, Annaliese? Don’t be aggressive and try and make him kiss you.
• If you ask him to kiss you, which you did, and he doesn’t that’s a problem.
• Also Arie, since when are you picky about who you give a kiss to?
• Annaliese. Do not take advice from the other women in the house. Oh you’re going to take their advice and confront him? K great.
• Who is the drunk one in the white dress who can’t form a full sentence?? Why didn’t she get more airtime? Hammered.
• Bye, Annaliese. It’s been real.
• Does this mean the end of the reenactments? Because I’m not ready to say goodbye.
• I can’t take another loss.

Except I have to because Bibiana goes home, too! (Arie out dads himself and literally tells Bibs to “get home safe” when he’s saying goodbye to her.) I really wish she fought a little harder to get time in with him. Not because I want them to be together, but because I selfishly don’t want to watch this show without her commentary.

No reenactments and no commentary?? Pray for me next week, y’all.

Until next week, I’ll just be waiting for ABC to post videos of the dog reenactments so I can watch them on repeat.